Zack Guide on How to be well Perfect
by XxXRibbinzXnXChainzXxX
Summary: Is Zack having problems? Can Aerith stop his ridiculous Mirror Routine? DO NOT follow these instructions, this is real life and Zack has a record of causing reckless animated injuries. Now it is Zack time to shine..in the mirror. I HAVE SPOKEN.
1. Chapter 1: How to Do Your Hair

_Zack Fair's Guide on how to be...HOTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!_

_sizzle sizzle_

**Hellooooooo!!!!!!! My name is Zack, Zack Fair-YESSSS! Thats right I said FAIR!!!!!!!!**

**Im here today to reveal my personal secrets on how to beeeeee...AWESOMELY, SIZZLIN', FANTASTICaRIFFICLY, PERFECTLY, COOLIEOO, and...cannnnnn I get a drumroll pleaze...HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**Ok get ready for my awesome secrets, 'smile, smile, smile, smile':**

_**Zack!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you talking in the mirror again, HEY are you listening to me! Zack!**_

**Aerith!!!!!! Dont interupt my show!!!!!!! Someday- I WILL be famous I'll have my own show and everything!!!!!!! You'll see!!!**

_**Right**__...he does this every single morning...__**Ok...So sorry**__...It IS getting rather annoying..._

**Ok...sorry for the INTERUPTION!!!!!!...Back to the show!!!!!!!**

MY PERFECT HAIR:

Gel: Im not too big on using 'all-natural' stuffz but...for my hair ALWAYS use all-natural hair gels...the artificial crap is...well...crap...Also ONLY use aqua colored kinds...Its just it really pretty and stuff...I dont know...but yeah...It also smells mintzy...YAYZ!!!!!

Comb: Just to show you have some kind of class, try to get a black comb...

NEVER use wide tooth combs, they will make your hair all stringy and stuff, so I have to recommend the thin...small...pointy...ones...

Shampoo: I ONLY use _Svuadevi _shampoo, first off all the name makes me feel, well, important, classy, special. DO NOT follow the directions on the bottle though, after that charade, I didnt leave my apartment for almost TWO WEEKS!!!!!!! Follow my directions instead:

1. apply quarter sized globs to dampened hair

2. rub scalp until its all bubbly and stuff

3. let it set for 15 minutes

4. blow dry and leave in for exactly 6 hours

5. rinse thoughorly...

**Wait...Aerith!!!!! Aerith!!!!!! Hey!!!!!! AERITH!!!!!!!!!**

_**What? **_

**Ummmmmm...How do you spell...thourolyghly...??????**

_**I think its...t.h.r.o.u.g.h.l.y...yeah thats right.**_

**T.h.r.o.u.l.y??????**

_**Nooooo, t.h.r.o.u.g.h.l.y...got it?**_

**Ummmmm t.h.r.o.u.g.h.l.y, throughly. Got it! Than-que!!!!**

**ANNNNNND BACK to the SHOW!!!!!!!!!**

5. rinse throughly (still after 6 hours)

6. then after you see the results, pay your respect to mwua, me!

Conditioner: DO NOT use conditioner!!!!!! If your hair is too soft is too soft the spikes wont form correctly!!!!!!! You CAN use it every time you re-do your spikes though.

Styling Tips (How to make your hair like mine!):

1. comb your locks out flat, straight down to your shoulders

2. GENTLY apply styling gel, let sit for 5 minutes

3. spike your hair in the perfect positions

(see broadcast pamplet for each spike placement)

4. after dryed into place, comb through each one to thin then gel residue

5. then after secured and fit into place, you can finally let your girlfriend into the bathroom quarters, if she hasnt already broke the door down

**Tune in next week for some more of Zack Fairs secrets!!!!!!!!**

(Applause!!!!!!!)

PLEASE review so I can continue writing more...for next week we will have Zacks guide on how to dress...What a statement!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA so thenks for reading!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	2. Chapter 2: How to Dress

_Zack Fair's Guide on How to be...Hotttttttttttttttttttttzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

_sizzle sizzle_

**Hiya! My name is Zack Fair, because Im all sooooo FAIR!!!!!!!!**

**Today you will get the inside scoop of HOW TO DRESS JUST LIKE ME!!!!!!!**

**Yeah, I know you've only seen me in my SOLDIER's uniform, but beside that I REALLY got some style!!!!!!!!!!!!**

_**Ummmm...Zack? Even I've never seen you in anything else but your uniform...**_

_**and can be more quite Im trying to read! Go back to the bathroom or somthing! Geeze, your worse than a kid! Silly!**_

**AWWWWWW...but Aerith, this week is How to Dress, I HAVE to be in the bedroom its where all the clothes are...**come on...puppy dog eyes, puppy dog eyes, puppy face...

_**Uhmmmm...fine. But, be quieter! Please.**_

**OKAY! **Yessssssss!!!!! I own you, hahahahah!!!!! Go me, go me-

_**Zack! You DO NOT own anybody! And I only let you so you would have to do something for me later! So ha!**_

**But, how did, what did, you, how did you know I was thinking that?**

_**You were doing your silent little victory dance, Im not blind I saw you in the mirror! Silly!**_

**Ummmmmm...BACK to the showwwww!**

**We will now be crossing into the world of El Zacka Faire's stylin'...style...yeah...**

MY PERFECT STYLE (OUTFIT)

Do's and Dont's:

1. For safety only you should NEVER wear a hat! The only result you will have is a sweaty head, which messes up your spikes and which only attracts bugs! And if you dont like bugs take my further advice!

2. You should ALWAYS have at least one female feature such as: bracelet...you can still make it MaNLy, an earring...studs count, a ribbon...you could wear it on your upper arm muscle, or even...nevermind...moving on...ahem...

3. Belts are AWESOME! Always have some kind of belt! Even a string or rope would work, like you could add stuff to make it fancy an' stuffz!

4. Ummmmm...what else...

**Aerith! I need some help! Ummm...what else should I say what do I wear that's AWESOME!**

_**Hmmmm...lets see...your shoe-**_

**SHOES! Thanks! Back to the Show!**

4. Always have either Black shoes or White shoes, multi-colors are a NO-GO! Unless its just the color of the stripe or something! And just to be different, have a feminine color too like pink or violet or sumthin'...

5. Scarfs, chains, bandanas, NO WAY, PERIOD END OF STORY!

Thank for reading! Please re-

**What? No! I wasnt done yet, Its just an expression- End of Story!**

Thank for reading! Please re-

**NOOOOOO! Stop! IM NOT DONE YET! Ok lets start at-**

5. Scarfs, chains, bandanas, NO WAY, PERIOD!

6. Shades! Yes! Im nothing without my Spy Wares! ALWAYS have BLACK sunglasses! Nothing else!

**OOOOOOKKKKKKAYYYYYYYY! Tune in next week for some more of my AWESOME tips!**

**Thankyou, Thankyou!**

(Applause)

_**Hey, Zack that one was pretty good you didnt sound as much of a baby! **_Clap clap clap clap clap!

_**I most certainly WILL tune in next time!**_

Ahhhhhhhhh...peace at last in the Kingdom of Fair' Zack.

THE END! HAhaahahahaah hope you like it! Thenks for the reviews and favorites! I was kinda tryin to go off Zacks real outfit in Crisis Core! And was also tryin to use the personalities from "Breathin" the 30 kisses challenge, its really good! I was hoping this one would turn out a little longer but just as funny...

NEXTTTTT week we will be poisoned by...dun dun dunnnnnn...

Zack Fairs Guide to How to Catch a "Butterfly" Charmin the ladies huh?

And possibly...Zack will have a REAl audience! MWhahaaaaahaaaaaa! Can I get any meaner?


	3. Chapter 3: How to catch a Butterfly

Note: At the begining you hav 2 imagin the song, du du du duh dun dun, du du du duh dun dun, dun dun duhn duhn, the one off of Looney Tunes, usually wen Bugs is skating! Imagine it in ur so called heads until you hear an Annoyed Aerith saying..."ZACK! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"

Zack's Guide on How to Be...HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!

sizzle sizzle

**OKAYYYYYY! Im here, ZACK FAIR! **

_**OHHHHH! DO TELL! Yes I know: IM soooooo FAIR! Im perfect and HOTTTTTT!!!!!!!**_

**Aerith! You actually remembered! This is the happiest day of my life! 'Sniffle' **

(holds hands up to face, im mean perfect face...)

_**What?**_...you REALLY are an idiot..._**Yes! I really did didnt I?**_

**Yes, you DID! And guess WHAT!?**

_**WHAT**_...it better not be anything stupid like...putting me on his sh-

**YOU GET TO BE ON MY SHOW! Yay! This is gonna be soooooo AWESOME!**

_**Oh**_...god..._**Great! I'll go**_...get a baseball bat and knock you out..._**fix my hair!**_

**OK! I'll start!**

**TOOOODDDDDAYYYYYY! ON ZACK FAIR! You will learn...HOW TO CATCH A BUTTERFLY!**

**YAYAYAYAYAYAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!**

(runs back and forth, net in hand, a feild of flowers and butterflies) Oh and start the music! Lets bogiae!

DU, dun dun dun dun dun, duhn duhn, dun dun dun dun, duhn duhn duhn duhn, dun duhn dun duhn!!!!!!! du du duhn dun dun duh duh dun ...duh duhn duhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Ooooooooooooh! I think I caught one! Yay! Its all sparklie and pretty! Yay! Im gonna get another...**

DU, dun dun dun dun dun, duhn duhn, dun dun dun dun, duhn duhn duhn duhn, dun duhn dun duhn!!!!!!! du du duhn dun dun duh duh dun ...duh duhn duhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

**WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST WHAT am I doing? I dont wanna catch a butterfly!**

**I wanna catch a beautifly pink AND purple butterfly! YAY!**

DU, dun dun dun dun dun, duhn duhn, dun dun dun dun, duhn duhn duhn duhn, dun duhn dun duhn!!!!!!! du du du- (mixing music stop, like on the movies)

_**ZACK! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? HAVE YOU GONE CRAZY?**_

(harp music, dunullll dunlll dun duh duhhhhh)

_**DIE! DIE! DIE! **_(Aerith attacking Zack with a baseball bat)

(harp music, dunullll dunlll dun duh duhhhhh)

**I caught a pink and purple butterfly! Yay!**

_**WHAT?! **_I seriously need to do that some day, you know hit him with a baseball bat..._**YOU mister are going to the doctor! You are getting anylised! **_For obsession with yourself...

LATER AT HOME, AFTER ANYALISIS...

(sitting in bed)

**GUESS WHAT! Since I GET to stay at home for 2 MONTHS! I GET TO DO MY SHOW EVERY SINGLE DAY! Huh, wait Aerith...are you crying?**

(weeping in room corner)

_**Nooo...snif...ummm...yessss...its just**_...two things...Im girlfriend to a phsyco...and...Im gonna have to spend my flower money...on a stainless steel baseball bat...**Im SO sad that your SO sickkkkkkk**...NO! Im gonna have to take care of him! NO I REFUSE!

**Aerith? Can you go fix me some chicken noodle soup? With chocolate covered cherries for dessert?**

_**I-I**_...how bout a baseball bat instead..._**Sure...**_

**Oh yeah, but, I ONLY like home-made candy...prewwttyyy pwweeease?**

_**Oh? Yeah**_...sure I'll mix em with the baseball bat..._**Ok hon, sure be ready in a bit!**_

**TUUUUNNNNNEEEEEEEE In tommorow! For some more of ZACK FAIRS SECRETS!** **THANKYOU! Thankyou!**

(Applause)

Thanks for reading! I KNOW this one was shorter! But It should be hilarious! My friend Jade helped me with this one! She came up with the infamous 'Baseball Bat' thoughts and imaginings! Thanks for the wonderful reviews and keep reading! Can you guess who will be the audience 'tommorow'? Review and the winner will recieve next weeks chapter in honor of you! Yayaayayayayyay! Zack will be real funny next time!


	4. Chapter 4: Bedazzle

**Note 1 : Ok sorry the last chap didnt have the guide, I didnt know exactly what I was going to do...so I just made it CRAZY! It still shouldve been kinda funny...**

**Anyways this one will be more back on track! STILL brimming with...well...ZACK!**

**Note 2: Theres this really FUNNY video on youtube, its actually what made me get the idea of writng this...ON SEARCH TYPE: **_**zack wait for the signal translated**_

**IT IS HILARIOUS! Zack does this little 'dance', it is truly, magnifico! HAHAHA! You HAVE to try it!**

**Chapter 4: Bedazzle **(its not the kind you think...it just the term...)

Zack's Guide on How to be...HOTTTTTTTZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, dude, be cool, be cool...theres only...1..2..3...eight people out there! I can do this! I can, I think I can, I think I can- HEY I remember my ma' used to read that to me! Yeah, oh that was SO AWESOME!

_**Hey! Zack! Come on, go out there!**_...before they get the tomatoes...It took me forever to grow them...

**...I...I...cant! Aerith! I just cant!**

_**Hey! Zack, you HAVE to! I spent all that time putting up all those flyers for you! Please, come on, you CAN and you WILL.**_

**But...ok...I-I...I'll try!**

_**I have an idea, I'll go in the back of the audience! You can look right at me, just pretend you're only talking to me! Ok?**_

**Ummm...ok...I guess...**

_**Zack! Youre on in 3...2...1...go!**_

On Stage

**HELLLLLLOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! My name is ZACK FAIR! And you are watching ZACK'S GUIDE ON HOW TO BE...HOTTTTTTTZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

(AUPPLAUSE)

**Audience Member: ALLRIGHT! YEA! OW! LETS GET IT ON!**

**Ummmm...ok...Today you will learn...**

**Audience Member: Whoo! Yea! ALLRIGHT! OW! GO Zack! Gimme a "Hey" Gimme a "whoa"**

**Gimme a "ho ho hoooo"**

**Ummm...o-**

**same Audience Member: Oh yeah! Lets gittit on! YEA! Whooooo!!**

**O-**

**same Audience Member: Whoo!**

**Y-**

**S.A.M: YEA!**

**T-**

**S.A.M: Oh yeah! Oh yeah!**

**r- whoo! **

**a- yeah! **

**w- SPICAY! **

**r- Yupp! **

**h- yay! **

**s- Yeayah! **

**Wi...ll...y- Giddyup! **

**Z- Uhuh! Uhuh!**

**Qu- That GOOD!**

**c- Yippe kiya!**

**c- Yippe kiya!**

hmmm...I wonder...

**Qu- **_**Whoa!**_

**w- **_**SPICAY! **_

**Z- **_**Uhuh! Uhuh!**_

**Qu- **_**That GOOD!**_

**c- **_**Yippe kiya!**_

**c- **_**Yippe kiya!**_

**Wi...ll...y- **_**Giddyup! **_

**Wi...ll...y- **_**Giddyup!**_

**Wi...ll...y- **_**Giddyup! **_

**r- **_**Yupp!**_

**r- **_**Yupp! **_

**r- **_**Yupp! **_

Okay...I just kinda made a song...

**Z- **_**Uhuh! Uhuh!**_

**Zack: WILL YOU SHUT YOUR FREAKING PIE HOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! **

**GOOD GOD! JUST SHUT UP! YOU'RE SO FRICKIN ANNOYING! GOD!**

**S.A.M: Yessssss!!!!!!!!! Im coming! **(skips up on to stage)

**OH-MY-GOD-MY-NAME-IS-YUFFIE-Y-U-F-F-I-E!!!!!!! NICE TO MEETCHA! IM TOTOTALLY YOUR BIGGESTEST, GREATESTEST, FAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! **

**Ummmmmm...ok...nice..to...mee-**

**S.A.M: Oh-my-god-Zack is talking to me!**

**Yea...could you go sit down please...Im trying to do a show...if you havent noticed...**

**S.A.M: Ok! ANYTHING for you, ZACK. **(skips off stage...in a very strange way)

**Ok! BACKKKKKKK to the show! Today I will present to **

**HOW TO MAKE EVEN THE STUPIDEST STUFF LOOK AWESOME!**

Bedazzling, Zack's Way

Bags, Backpacks, Cases

To make a bag look awesome you can: get your girlfriend to sew stuff on, tie on chains...and many, many...er...other things...

1. for bags and backpacks always try to get the ones with two insides so you can make holes...er to make it look cool...without everything falling out!

2. one bag I have is cover with chains from the left seam to the right seam...personally it looks better if you cross them...and then afterwards you can attatch other stuff to them...

3.-

**Yuffie: Oooh! Oooh! For my purse I took flowers and chained them together from the zipper down to the bottom! Is that GOOD, Zack?!**

**Ummmmmmm...uh...er...egh... **(looks towards back of the audience)

Lips the words:

_Zack! Just keep going!_

_Zack sees: -ack-ust-eepp-go-in_

What?

_Kee..p'...go'...ing!_

Oh! uhmm..ok...

_Just dont look at her, just talk to me!_

_Zack sees: o-ook-a-her-ehn-alk-o-me_

Ok!

**We'll be back after these massages! **(walks off stage)

Back Stage

**Uh...where...ah-ha! Here's one!**

_**Zack what are you doing?**_

**Exactly what you said!**

_**Oh? So...you're just taking a break?**_

**Yeah. Ok ready to go back on!**

On Stage

**Ok! BACK TOOOOOO THE SHOWWWW!!!!!!!! But first...ok:**

**'eeeya' **(throws a something and walks to back of the audience)

**Yuffie: AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! **whack! **Wa...was...at...uhhnn...**

_**ZACK! WHAT WAS THAT?????? Why'd you do that!**_

**You said: Just throw a book at her, then walk to me, soooo...I did!**

_**NOOOOOOO!!!!!!! I said: Just dont look at her, talk to me, I wouldnt say to throw a book at her! OH MY STARS! YOU IDIOT!**_

**...are you mad...at...me...**

_**Pffft! Why would I not be!**_

**...this...is a disaster...**

_**-sigh- Well maybe you should just stick to talking to the mirror...I guess...**_

**...no...it's always like this...**

_**What?**_

**...everything I do get messed up...**

_**And?**_

**Maybe...Im just TOO good looking.**

_**WHAT?! Oh my gosh! YOU STILL JUST DONT GET IT DO YOU!**_

**...what?**

_**Zack! NOBODY is perfect! Im not, youre not, nobody is!**_

**Aerith! You're right! NOBODYS PERFECT! The only thing close to perfect is...**

**IS?**

**is...**

**IS?**

**ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aerith! Youve opened my eyes! Im NOT perfect! My NEW slogan is: NOBODYS PERFECT, BUT IM PARRRETTTTYYYYY DARN CLOSE!!!!!!!!**

**WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!?????????**

5.another thing you can do is fray leather scraps and attatch them to the bottom

**TUNNNNNNNEEEEEEE in next week for some more of my closest to perfect secrets!!!!!!!**

(Aupplause)

HAHAHAHAHH!!!!!!!!!!!! I ran out of ideas...suggestions please!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or I'll have to end the guide...NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Thanks for reading! PLEASE put suggestions in the reviews!!!

Oh and I broke my arm so my writing might be a little bit slower...KEEP READING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh and YUFFIE was the guest star...she'll be in some other one too...after she gets out of the hospital...you do know Zack is a SOLDIER which means they almost have super strength...and the book he threw at her was a book I like to call: THE SWORD OF A SOLDIER...906 pages...shudder!!!

_Yuffie: YEAH THAT HURT!!!!!!!!!!!! IM TELLING MY DAD ABOUT THIS!!!!!!_


	5. Chapter 5: the package and the breakup

_**beZacks Guide on How to be…………………….HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**_

_Sizzle sizzle_

About seven hours earlier

-ding.dong-

**OHMYGOD! ITS HERE! ITS HERE! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! SWEET!**

_**ZACK! –skid—bam-meep-**_

**AERITH! Move cant you see I have to open the door!**

_**-rolls eyes- Ugk! Yeah but you could've helped me Back up!**_

**Well-Just wait a second!**

**-opens door-**

"Your package sir!"

**Thanx**…….Yesssssss!! Partay! Partay! Ive been waiting for this forever!

"Sign Here. on hurry up….hurry….hurry!

"Here, here, and here."

**K, **good god, just hurry up!

"Have a good day sir!"

**-closes door-**

_**Ahem! Im still down here!**_

**Yeah, I'll be back in a second, two seconds tops!**

_**Ugk! Thanksalot! –rolls eyes again-**_

_**--a faint scream of mere excitement is heard from the bathroom--**_

_**Two……wonderous…..seconds later……**_

**YO! What up-Girfre--i--end!**

_**Z-zack!?**_

**What, yo?**

_**W-what…..are…..YOU WEARING!**_

**Its my new do' yo. You dig, dog.**

_**N-NO! I do not dig! –stomp- I mean: WHAT is it?**_

**I ordered it, yo. Ya'know off a catalog, yo. **

_**A catalog, huh? **_

**Yeah, yo.**

_**Okayyyyyy……I'll just go look for myself…..**_

**K, dog.**

_**IM NOT A D-bedroom door shuts-**_

Hmmm….now to find out what exactly Zack bought……

In the bedroom:

_**Hmmmm, hm, hmm, hmm, hmm-Oh! Heres my catalog! Lets have a look-smack-smack- Hmmmmmmmm……-flip-……no…..-flip-…..no…..-flip-……no……….-fl-OH GOD NO, he didn't, he couldn't, he…..would…….Well……. I guess I better take a look……**_

Page 34- Spring Magazine **The order includes the following items:** Black Southpole cargo pants, 2 white t-shirts, green;gold adjustable hat;topped with silver dollar sign, 3 platinum chains, 2 gold chains,2 silver stud earrings, 1 pair of DC skater shoes or an alternate choice of SNEAUX blue camoflouge skater shoes,

Brown Southpole sweatshirt/hoodie, clip on diamond studded tounge stud, and a container of choice colour temopary hair dye color

For information please call: 902-776-7822 To order cut out the tab below and fill out information

_**Good god, they REALLY shouldn't put those just right there! I mean they never know if some kid might just send em' all in and not even know!**_

**Yo, Aer'? Im gonna go chill at Cloud's, kay dog?**

_**O-Kay! But two things please?**_

**Fire**

_**Ok: first of all-IM-NOT-YOUR-DOG!!**_

**Kay, kat.**

_**What did you just say?**_

**Ummm…….nuthin…….**

_**YEAH! That's right nothin' If you forgot my name then just tell me! Its Aerith! A-e-r-i-t-h! Aerith!**_

**I kno-I-Its justa saying- -sigh- nevermind, Aer.**

_**OK. Second of all if your gonna leave this apartment then take of that infernal Halloween Coustume!**_

**Noway! I spent three weeks salary to order it! I cant!**

_**Then return it! Get the money back!**_

**But-but-Everybody was sayin' I had no style! I was just Plain! **

_**Zack! You don't even remember! You were gonna buy me some more flower seeds for my birthday! And instead you bought it on that piece of crap! All I do I take care of you, use my HARD EARNED money to buy you stuff! And you forget the one day of the year that I should get anything!**_

**Aerith……**

_**No! Its over! Im done! Goodbye Zack! ………..-slam-………..**_

Ok! Cloud is making his first appearance in this fic! So get ready.

Seven hours later

**Cloud: Ummmm….Zack are you ok? You look a little…….**

**-hic- gno. Im –hic- fine. Im just –hic- perfect!**

**Cloud: Are you sure? How many of those have you had? **

**Not that –hic- many…..onlyyy…..12…er….-hic-…..14….or maybe…..16….**

**Cloud: Um….maybe you should go to the bathroom…..I don't wanna get my dorm all…..dirty……**

**Oh –hic- kay, Clod….I mean…..Cloud….oooooohhhhhh that's what –hic- you remind me of…**

**Cloud: What?**

**One of those big –hic- puffy whote things in the –hic- sky.**

**Cloud: Yeahhhhh…..lets go to the bathroom…..**

**-click-**

**Ooooohhhhh! Cloud you have a bathroom! And its all……-hic-……bright! Like the big yellow thing in the blue sky thing! Its all perdy!**

**Cloud: Yeahhhh……you just stay here. Ill call Aerith…….**

**Ok…….clod….Clood….loud…….clam……slam…..bam……um…..Cloud.**

**Tooodayyyyyyy on Zacks Guide on how to be HOTT –hic- TTTTZZZZZZ you will learn how to lose your girlfriend……it comes in very –hic- handy**

Forget all possible holidays…..birthday, anniversary, and ect. Ect.

Never compliment her, and if you do, say something stupid like……I like your carpets….that one works real good.

DO NOT open the car door for her, she'll thik you a 'gentlemen' and expect for you to always do it

Buy her anything but 'fancy' jewelry, if you do guys passing will know….shes probably taken

Never look at her straight in the face when shes talking if you do, she'll think you take her seriously

**Num-num-num…..-yawn-..so sleepy**

**Cloud: Aw! I was takin notes, dude!**

**Clod! How could this help you? You don't need to lose a girlfriend you NEED a girlfriend!**

**Cloud: I just write down the opposite of what you say.**

**Oh okay……Clod…..did you call THAT flower girl?**

**Cloud: Ummmm….no but she left like 20 messages on the phone.**

**WELL-YOU-ANSWER-THEM!**

**Cloud: …..cause…..you said not to.**

**What? Are you stupid! Im drunk…..your not s'pposed to listen to me. Ah….stupid, stupid……Clod.**

**-ding-dong-**

**Oooooooohhhhhhhhh! Maybe its –hic- Aerith! Move Clod.**

_**Helllooooo!! Is anybody home?**_

**YES! Justa minute.**

**-door opens-**

…_**..Zack? Are you….drunk?**_

**Gllg…gllg….may-be. And what-do you want?**

_**I was wondering if you wanted to come back home……IF you wanted……then we….**_

**And what if I –hic- do?**

_**Well…….we could……youkn-**_

**BYE CLOUD!**

**-door slams….and various hics and laughs are heard-**

**Cloud: OH NO! ZACK! He threw up on my couch!**

HEEHA! Hope you enjoyed! Im kinda faltering on the actual Zacks Guide part…..

And this one was kinda mixed…..It kind jumpe around alittle…….OWELL! Please review! Thanx!


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